The past month and a half has been FULL of unexpected events, change, and general stress! I'm talking a huge, disappointing job/ministry loss; a ton of travel (as a family, then as just the parents, then as just mom), which meant a LOT of different environments for the kids; the unexpected death of one of our best friends; and the consideration of and initial preparation for a cross-country move.
(Bear in mind that I am receiving absolutely NO remuneration for promoting this discipline system as you read on...)
Having the system implemented in our family has been a lifesaver!
While my original intent was to write weekly and capture every nuance of the integration of the FAMILY RULES system, I haven't been able to do that, for obvious reasons. So, I'm going to rack this weary brain of mine and try to remember what I wanted to share with you! This may go on for a few entries. :)
WEEK ONE OF FUN
Truth be told, I was nervous about starting the program. After all, EVERYONE in the family has to follow all the rules, including the parents! Dr. J's suggestion for the first week is to put the rules and token-earning into practice, but give "grace" all week when rules are broken (you don't have to draw a good-habit card). In other words, give everyone a taste of the rewards before the punishment/consequences. Perfect! When one of us did break a rule, we went ahead and drew the appropriate number of good habit cards just to see what we "would've" had to do. :)
Almost immediately, we all broke the rule about knocking (and waiting for an invitation!) before entering a room. I had no idea how much we were guilty of this, nor the respect it shows when you follow this rule! Even our two-year-old has gotten on board, and especially loves to holler out "Come in!" when I knock first thing in the morning or after her nap. (More in age-appropriateness of the program in a blog to come...)
It kind-of felt like walking on pins and needles the first week. It was like we had to slow down and be aware of every usually-subconscious move we made. Our son spent a lot of time, no kidding, sitting in front of the fridge (where we'd posted everything) and studying the rules and especially the rewards (calculating what he would earn first, second, etc.). He's always been like this (organized, mathematical, etc.) and THIS IS RIGHT UP HIS ALLEY! If you have a kid like this, I'm almost sure he/she will adapt thoroughly well.
Because our son had spent so much time reading the rules, one of our favorite memories of the first week is when my husband and I were in our bedroom and we heard a knock at the door(!). Upon inviting our son in, he politely said, "Excuse me, Mom & Dad, is this a private parental conversation?" It was hilarious. We wanted to yell, "THANK YOU, DR. J!!!"
More later -- mom duties call...
Friday, September 26, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Birth of The Plan
First we had to gather the supplies. This included a pack of notecards and a set of color-coded chips. One would think that would be fairly easy to find...yeah, right! My husband called me from K-Mart asking if a poker set would work. It was only $11 and it came with its own latched carrying case, he notified me. At least it had four color sets (one for each of our three kids plus RAK chips -- more on that later). He saw two people from church in the store that day...wondered what they thought seeing their worship pastor buying a poker set in the middle of the afternoon!
______________________
Then, my husband and I sat down together and began the work of applying the sample lists in the book to our family. We began by identifying the 31 rules we would all (including the parents) agree to follow and assigned them a number of "good habit" cards (consequences, essentially) that breaking each one would result in.
Here is our initial list:
1. Obey all local, state, and federal laws. (50)
2. Do what you are asked to do immediately and without complaining. (1)
3. “No!” means “No!” Don’t ask again. (1)
4. Don’t interrupt others. Wait your turn to talk. (1)
5. Treat people and animals with respect (no verbal/physical abuse)! (10)
6. Obey all authority at home, church, groups, or in the community. This includes babysitters! (10)
7. When you are angry, talk with an adult. Don’t act out your anger inappropriately. (3)
8. No inappropriate facial expressions or gestures. (1)
9. No stealing (borrowing without permission from the owner is stealing, too).(3)
10. You must receive parental permission before you go anywhere at any time. (10)
11. Never run away from anywhere unless you have been abducted or are in danger. (50)
12. No swearing or talking about inappropriate subject matter. (5)
13. No eavesdropping on private, parental conversations. (3)
14. No lying, sneaking, or cheating (dishonest behaviors will not be tolerated).(20)
15. No destruction of property regardless of who it belongs to. (20)
16. No eating without permission.(3)
17. Knock (and wait for an invitation) before going into a room with a closed door. (2)
18. Practice privacy in dressing/undressing, taking a shower, and going to the bathroom. (1)
19. No playing piano or drums without permission.(1)
20. No playing with matches, lighters, stove, grills, etc. (30)
21. No use of the phone or computer without parental permission and supervision. (10)
22. No dishes, food, or trash left in the living room or your bedroom. (1)
23. Eat with good manners. (1)
24. No sexual activities with another person unless you are married to them. (50)
25. No listening to inappropriate music or watching inappropriate television or movies. (20)
26. Behave appropriately at church and follow parental directions. (10)
27. Behave appropriately in the car. No playing inside or on top of it or in the trunk. (3)
28. Complete all daily and weekly chores on time. (1)
29. No hitting, scratching, kicking, pushing, shoving, fighting, biting, etc. If you are caught arguing or fighting, everyone involved will receive cards. Parents won’t be detectives! (5)
30. No tampering with the family rules, good habit cards, daily and weekly chore
lists, and/or rewards list. (30)
31. No speaking negatively about God’s Church, creation, and/or our physical bodies. (10)
Truthfully, I felt a little bad about the length of the list when we were done with it. But I do suppose that a lot of these are unwritten rules in many families, anyway. Besides, our local roller-skating rink has a whole bunch of rules and people aren't there for more than a couple of hours!
Just in case you're wondering, #19 is on the list primarily because our piano is in the middle of the main room of the house (which is between the kitchen and the bedrooms. My children are addicted to the piano (don't hate me) so much that I have found myself raising my voice WAY too often simply to get their attention or try to give instructions as we're leaving the house or talk to one of the other kids. I'm not against practicing...it just has to be at a good time for the family.
#s 2 and 3 are broken the most often in our home.
My husband and I are both bad at #22.
My husband added number 31 immediately after I said a negative comment about my knees. It's a bad, bad habit of mine (criticizing my body) and it's true, I don't want to pass it on to my children! But a rule?! I'll give it a shot, I guess...
______________________
Next came the list of "good habit" cards. These are the cards that are dealt when run of the rules is broken. They are jobs or activities that ought to take around 30 minutes or so to accomplish. It was kind-of fun to think of these! We were sure to include things around some of our least preferred (but kid-appropriate) chores. We were to come up with 45, but I think we have 46. Here is our list:
- Dust all the pictures/frames on the walls
- Remove all videos/DVDs from cabinets; dust, reorganize, and put them back.
- Clean up the dog poop in the yard.
- Dust and clean the fireplace.
- Shovel or sweep the driveway.
- Clean the floor in the master bathroom.
- Clean the floor and walls in the kids' bathroom.
- Clean the floor in the basement bathroom.
- Clean the washer and dryer.
- Clean the refrigerator.
- Clean out the inside of the van.
- Clean out the inside of the car.
- Sweep and mop the kitchen/dining room floor.
- Vacuum the basement carpets.
- Vacuum the living room.
- Dust the furniture in the basement living room.
- Dust the dining room table and chairs.
- Clean the microwave (inside and out).
- Clean all of the sinks in the house.
- Do a daily chore for a sibling.
- Dust the furniture in the main living room.
- Clean the sliding glass door panes.
- Clean the windows in the living room.
- Clean the toilet in the master bathroom.
- Clean the toilet in the kids' bathroom.
- Clean the toilet in the basement bathroom.
- Dust the corners of the house for cobwebs.
- Dust the baseboards in the house.
- Wash, dry, and put away all the dishes.
- Clean all the mirrors in the house.
- Organize the shoe baskets and put all shoes away.
- Give the dog a bath.
- Walk the dog.
- Straighten the toys in the basement.
- Pull all the weeds in one of the flower beds.
- Clean/sweep the utility room.
- Organize the junk drawer.
- Write and mail a letter to a friend or relative.
- Sweep out the garage.
- Dust your bedroom.
- Clean the bathtub in your bathroom.
- Pick up toys/trash/sticks in the yard.
- Write "I will not break the rules" 100 times.
- Dust all the books on the bookshelves.
- Empty and replace bags in all the trashes.
- Straighten the toys/books in your little sister's room.
To the pile of cards we added five "WILD CARD" cards (meaning the parent chooses a task) and also five "GRACE" cards (nothing need to be done) as a tangible experience of the grace we receive in Christ. Like that!
Just a note: Don't talk to your husband while he's writing the cards...you'll end up with things like "WILD GRACE". :)
______________________
Developing the daily/weekly chores lists was next. Here is what we wrote down:
Kids’ Daily Chores:
1. Eat breakfast before you start school (we home school) or go anywhere.
2. Make your bed before you start school or go anywhere.
3. Use the bathroom for grooming (hair, teeth, etc.) before you start school or go anywhere.
4. Feed/water the outside animals before 10 a.m.
5. Clean up dinner dishes immediately after dinner. An adult will help.
6. Put away your clean laundry before bed if there is a basket of folded clothes in your room.
Kids’ Weekly Chores
1. Make sure ALL trash is out by Friday at 10 a.m.
2. Clean up our school area (books, papers, etc.) by Friday at 3 p.m. with Mom’s help.
3. Clean and vacuum your room by 12 p.m. on Saturday.
4. Clean litter box by 12 p.m. on Saturday.
5. Bathe or shower 3x/week (or more, if instructed).
I think are supposed to develop a parents' chore list, too, mostly so the kids can again be reminded that the whole family participates in the plan (and to see how much work we do)! oops...we still haven't gotten to that (though we are DOING the jobs)
______________________
THE PRESENTATION: We called our first family meeting regarding the new FAMILY Rules plan last Sunday afternoon. Would you believe it took our family 1 hour and 20 minutes to discuss it? The book includes a clear guide to this meeting, with a great way to introduce the system: asking them to imagine a world without rules. I will say that Dr. Johnson, who I will now refer to as "Dr. J.," a name he goes by, truly knows kids! Our kids listened intently to everything we presented. They asked extremely detailed and creative questions about the rules, much like the little negotiators Dr. J. knows them to be, like: "What if the adult you're supposed to obey tells you to do something you shouldn't do? Will you get a card then?" "Do we have to ask to go outside?" "Can we light a candle?" and from our 8-year-old son: "Can I give an example of an inappropriate gesture?" NO!!!!!!!!!!
We explained how the system works (and here is a brief overview): everyone has to obey all the rules. If they break one, they draw the appropriate number of "good habit" cards and have to do it right then (unless they want to "ground" themselves to their room first, and can only come out when they're ready to do the assignment...the book has guidelines of what they're allowed to do in their room while they're taking time out, which are supposed to be activities that are not very desirable, I think, though if I told our 10-year-old daughter to read, I wouldn't see her for hours and hours). Parents have to obey the rules and draw cards, too.
If the kids make it through the day without breaking a rule, they get a token (poker chip, in our case) to put in a jar. If they get through all week without breaking a rule (my initial thought: this will NEVER happen), they earn 3 bonus tokens (for a total of 10 possible tokens during the week). Enter the RAK chips (for Random Acts of Kindness): during the day, if we catch them doing a good deed for someone else or for the family, we can give them a RAK chip. When they collect three, they can turn them in for a regular token. They can earn up to 3 RAK chips a day. This is great because if you have a kid who breaks a rule (and therefore won't be earning a token that day) he still has a chance to earn one by doing good needs.
Then came the fun part (for the kids, anyway...I was just calculating the financial cost): making a list of rewards for tokens earned (considering the token to be approximately equivalent to $1, for the most part). Here is our current list (though the kids already are inquiring about expanding it):
- Special treat (ice cream cone, snow cone, etc.) at the restaurant/store of your choice (2)
- Renting a movie of your choice (3)
- $2 to spend however you want at the grocery store (4)
- New book (8)
- Seeing a movie in the theatre (15)
- Sleepover with a friend (12)
- Sleepover with sibling (8)
- Bowling (20)
- Mini-golfing (20)
- One new Webkinz or $15 in Webkinz “stuff” (20)
- Roller skating (20)
- Dinner at a restaurant of your choice (25)
- Go-Karting (25)
- Fishing trip (15)
- Have a friend over for a campout (20)
- New shoes (30)
- Special day/night with one of your relatives (10)
- Toy of your choice (8 Tokens for every $10 of the price of the item)
- Go to a show at the local performing arts theatre (45)
- Day trip to the children's museum (50)
- Day trip to the car races (50)
- Tokens for money (TBD)
Guess what they're going to work toward first? Webkinz, of course!
The frugal part of me is kind-of freaking out: we could be doling out like $150 worth of "rewards" for our kids each month. However, I'm sure they won't cap out the token system right away. Plus, if we cut down on these kind of activities that we do "just because" and instead wait until they're "earned," then maybe it's a wash.
Plus, if it eliminates the yelling around here, isn't that...priceless? :)
______________________
Then, my husband and I sat down together and began the work of applying the sample lists in the book to our family. We began by identifying the 31 rules we would all (including the parents) agree to follow and assigned them a number of "good habit" cards (consequences, essentially) that breaking each one would result in.
Here is our initial list:
1. Obey all local, state, and federal laws. (50)
2. Do what you are asked to do immediately and without complaining. (1)
3. “No!” means “No!” Don’t ask again. (1)
4. Don’t interrupt others. Wait your turn to talk. (1)
5. Treat people and animals with respect (no verbal/physical abuse)! (10)
6. Obey all authority at home, church, groups, or in the community. This includes babysitters! (10)
7. When you are angry, talk with an adult. Don’t act out your anger inappropriately. (3)
8. No inappropriate facial expressions or gestures. (1)
9. No stealing (borrowing without permission from the owner is stealing, too).(3)
10. You must receive parental permission before you go anywhere at any time. (10)
11. Never run away from anywhere unless you have been abducted or are in danger. (50)
12. No swearing or talking about inappropriate subject matter. (5)
13. No eavesdropping on private, parental conversations. (3)
14. No lying, sneaking, or cheating (dishonest behaviors will not be tolerated).(20)
15. No destruction of property regardless of who it belongs to. (20)
16. No eating without permission.(3)
17. Knock (and wait for an invitation) before going into a room with a closed door. (2)
18. Practice privacy in dressing/undressing, taking a shower, and going to the bathroom. (1)
19. No playing piano or drums without permission.(1)
20. No playing with matches, lighters, stove, grills, etc. (30)
21. No use of the phone or computer without parental permission and supervision. (10)
22. No dishes, food, or trash left in the living room or your bedroom. (1)
23. Eat with good manners. (1)
24. No sexual activities with another person unless you are married to them. (50)
25. No listening to inappropriate music or watching inappropriate television or movies. (20)
26. Behave appropriately at church and follow parental directions. (10)
27. Behave appropriately in the car. No playing inside or on top of it or in the trunk. (3)
28. Complete all daily and weekly chores on time. (1)
29. No hitting, scratching, kicking, pushing, shoving, fighting, biting, etc. If you are caught arguing or fighting, everyone involved will receive cards. Parents won’t be detectives! (5)
30. No tampering with the family rules, good habit cards, daily and weekly chore
lists, and/or rewards list. (30)
31. No speaking negatively about God’s Church, creation, and/or our physical bodies. (10)
Truthfully, I felt a little bad about the length of the list when we were done with it. But I do suppose that a lot of these are unwritten rules in many families, anyway. Besides, our local roller-skating rink has a whole bunch of rules and people aren't there for more than a couple of hours!
Just in case you're wondering, #19 is on the list primarily because our piano is in the middle of the main room of the house (which is between the kitchen and the bedrooms. My children are addicted to the piano (don't hate me) so much that I have found myself raising my voice WAY too often simply to get their attention or try to give instructions as we're leaving the house or talk to one of the other kids. I'm not against practicing...it just has to be at a good time for the family.
#s 2 and 3 are broken the most often in our home.
My husband and I are both bad at #22.
My husband added number 31 immediately after I said a negative comment about my knees. It's a bad, bad habit of mine (criticizing my body) and it's true, I don't want to pass it on to my children! But a rule?! I'll give it a shot, I guess...
______________________
Next came the list of "good habit" cards. These are the cards that are dealt when run of the rules is broken. They are jobs or activities that ought to take around 30 minutes or so to accomplish. It was kind-of fun to think of these! We were sure to include things around some of our least preferred (but kid-appropriate) chores. We were to come up with 45, but I think we have 46. Here is our list:
- Dust all the pictures/frames on the walls
- Remove all videos/DVDs from cabinets; dust, reorganize, and put them back.
- Clean up the dog poop in the yard.
- Dust and clean the fireplace.
- Shovel or sweep the driveway.
- Clean the floor in the master bathroom.
- Clean the floor and walls in the kids' bathroom.
- Clean the floor in the basement bathroom.
- Clean the washer and dryer.
- Clean the refrigerator.
- Clean out the inside of the van.
- Clean out the inside of the car.
- Sweep and mop the kitchen/dining room floor.
- Vacuum the basement carpets.
- Vacuum the living room.
- Dust the furniture in the basement living room.
- Dust the dining room table and chairs.
- Clean the microwave (inside and out).
- Clean all of the sinks in the house.
- Do a daily chore for a sibling.
- Dust the furniture in the main living room.
- Clean the sliding glass door panes.
- Clean the windows in the living room.
- Clean the toilet in the master bathroom.
- Clean the toilet in the kids' bathroom.
- Clean the toilet in the basement bathroom.
- Dust the corners of the house for cobwebs.
- Dust the baseboards in the house.
- Wash, dry, and put away all the dishes.
- Clean all the mirrors in the house.
- Organize the shoe baskets and put all shoes away.
- Give the dog a bath.
- Walk the dog.
- Straighten the toys in the basement.
- Pull all the weeds in one of the flower beds.
- Clean/sweep the utility room.
- Organize the junk drawer.
- Write and mail a letter to a friend or relative.
- Sweep out the garage.
- Dust your bedroom.
- Clean the bathtub in your bathroom.
- Pick up toys/trash/sticks in the yard.
- Write "I will not break the rules" 100 times.
- Dust all the books on the bookshelves.
- Empty and replace bags in all the trashes.
- Straighten the toys/books in your little sister's room.
To the pile of cards we added five "WILD CARD" cards (meaning the parent chooses a task) and also five "GRACE" cards (nothing need to be done) as a tangible experience of the grace we receive in Christ. Like that!
Just a note: Don't talk to your husband while he's writing the cards...you'll end up with things like "WILD GRACE". :)
______________________
Developing the daily/weekly chores lists was next. Here is what we wrote down:
Kids’ Daily Chores:
1. Eat breakfast before you start school (we home school) or go anywhere.
2. Make your bed before you start school or go anywhere.
3. Use the bathroom for grooming (hair, teeth, etc.) before you start school or go anywhere.
4. Feed/water the outside animals before 10 a.m.
5. Clean up dinner dishes immediately after dinner. An adult will help.
6. Put away your clean laundry before bed if there is a basket of folded clothes in your room.
Kids’ Weekly Chores
1. Make sure ALL trash is out by Friday at 10 a.m.
2. Clean up our school area (books, papers, etc.) by Friday at 3 p.m. with Mom’s help.
3. Clean and vacuum your room by 12 p.m. on Saturday.
4. Clean litter box by 12 p.m. on Saturday.
5. Bathe or shower 3x/week (or more, if instructed).
I think are supposed to develop a parents' chore list, too, mostly so the kids can again be reminded that the whole family participates in the plan (and to see how much work we do)! oops...we still haven't gotten to that (though we are DOING the jobs)
______________________
THE PRESENTATION: We called our first family meeting regarding the new FAMILY Rules plan last Sunday afternoon. Would you believe it took our family 1 hour and 20 minutes to discuss it? The book includes a clear guide to this meeting, with a great way to introduce the system: asking them to imagine a world without rules. I will say that Dr. Johnson, who I will now refer to as "Dr. J.," a name he goes by, truly knows kids! Our kids listened intently to everything we presented. They asked extremely detailed and creative questions about the rules, much like the little negotiators Dr. J. knows them to be, like: "What if the adult you're supposed to obey tells you to do something you shouldn't do? Will you get a card then?" "Do we have to ask to go outside?" "Can we light a candle?" and from our 8-year-old son: "Can I give an example of an inappropriate gesture?" NO!!!!!!!!!!
We explained how the system works (and here is a brief overview): everyone has to obey all the rules. If they break one, they draw the appropriate number of "good habit" cards and have to do it right then (unless they want to "ground" themselves to their room first, and can only come out when they're ready to do the assignment...the book has guidelines of what they're allowed to do in their room while they're taking time out, which are supposed to be activities that are not very desirable, I think, though if I told our 10-year-old daughter to read, I wouldn't see her for hours and hours). Parents have to obey the rules and draw cards, too.
If the kids make it through the day without breaking a rule, they get a token (poker chip, in our case) to put in a jar. If they get through all week without breaking a rule (my initial thought: this will NEVER happen), they earn 3 bonus tokens (for a total of 10 possible tokens during the week). Enter the RAK chips (for Random Acts of Kindness): during the day, if we catch them doing a good deed for someone else or for the family, we can give them a RAK chip. When they collect three, they can turn them in for a regular token. They can earn up to 3 RAK chips a day. This is great because if you have a kid who breaks a rule (and therefore won't be earning a token that day) he still has a chance to earn one by doing good needs.
Then came the fun part (for the kids, anyway...I was just calculating the financial cost): making a list of rewards for tokens earned (considering the token to be approximately equivalent to $1, for the most part). Here is our current list (though the kids already are inquiring about expanding it):
- Special treat (ice cream cone, snow cone, etc.) at the restaurant/store of your choice (2)
- Renting a movie of your choice (3)
- $2 to spend however you want at the grocery store (4)
- New book (8)
- Seeing a movie in the theatre (15)
- Sleepover with a friend (12)
- Sleepover with sibling (8)
- Bowling (20)
- Mini-golfing (20)
- One new Webkinz or $15 in Webkinz “stuff” (20)
- Roller skating (20)
- Dinner at a restaurant of your choice (25)
- Go-Karting (25)
- Fishing trip (15)
- Have a friend over for a campout (20)
- New shoes (30)
- Special day/night with one of your relatives (10)
- Toy of your choice (8 Tokens for every $10 of the price of the item)
- Go to a show at the local performing arts theatre (45)
- Day trip to the children's museum (50)
- Day trip to the car races (50)
- Tokens for money (TBD)
Guess what they're going to work toward first? Webkinz, of course!
The frugal part of me is kind-of freaking out: we could be doling out like $150 worth of "rewards" for our kids each month. However, I'm sure they won't cap out the token system right away. Plus, if we cut down on these kind of activities that we do "just because" and instead wait until they're "earned," then maybe it's a wash.
Plus, if it eliminates the yelling around here, isn't that...priceless? :)
Friday, July 25, 2008
Countdown to "D-Day"
3IN THE BEGINNING4
Our middle child, a son (8), has had noticeable anger issues since about age four. With almost no warning, something in him will just snap and there is no reasoning or otherwise reining him in. The trigger could be as simple as us not having the cereal he wanted for breakfast or just receiving a "no" when asking for something. When he explodes, he is nearly beyond reason...even when he knows he's losing privileges out the wazoo.
As of late, however, the trigger has been his 2-year-old sister. And it's true, she does know how to push his buttons. She is in what my pediatrician optimistically calls the "terrific" twos. (Forgive me...I'm often the glass-half-empty kind of girl.) So, the rather typical outbursts of someone her age are escalating because of the anger outbursts she's been witnessing.
And so we arrived at May 2008...a generally "regular" pastor's family with good kids (two identified as gifted, including the son with the anger issue, and all three creative, fun, and generally obedient)...yet usually at least one big scene a day (almost always at home, thank goodness, though most of our relatives have been the lucky viewers of the meltdown and resulting chaos). I say chaos because between the 2-year-old jumping on the bandwagon and my husband and/or I raising our voices (okay, yelling) to try to regain control of the situation, it definitely resembles a zoo. Frankly, I'd had enough.
I am a proponent of seeking treatment from mental health professionals when necessary. In my opinion, we had definitely arrived at that point. Basically, I wanted to talk to a psychologist who could help us understand what was going on with our son and how we could "fix" it. I was open to that involving medication (he, unfortunately, seems to have inherited my anxiety) but was hoping we wouldn't have to start with it.
And so I made the call...
3SITTING ON THE COUCH4
So, we ended up at a counseling facility with a psychiatrist and psychologists on staff, but our pediatrican had recommended one of their licensed clinical social workers who specialized in children, family therapy, and anxiety. Sure, I could see the fit, but I won't lie...I was a bit concerned that we weren't ending up with the true specialists. But that's who I made the appointment with anyway.
We had one appointment in May and a second last month. At our first appointment, the social worker asked what discipline plan we used in the home. I didn't have a good answer (more like, a dab of this, dash of that). We've read or are fairly familiar with a lot of the discipline theories out there (Boundaries with Kids, Parenting with Love & Logic, etc.), especially Christian ones. When our kids were little, we used a "bean system" with a reward for filling up a jar by earning a bean each time our kids had good behavior and losing ones. We've done our share of counting to 3, time outs, and the occasional spanking. Frankly, we haven't had to implement many discipline measures with our eldest (a 10-year-old daughter), as she is a people-pleaser by nature and simply hates to disappoint us.
People always say that each child is unique...AMEN! It still awes me to think that you can raise three children in basically the same environment, and need a different "instruction manual" for each of them. Is that true even when you have nine or ten kids??? I assume so.
Anyway, the counselor suggested a discipline program called Positive Parenting with a Plan - F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules by Dr. Matthew Johnson. I ordered the book.
3FIRST IMPRESSIONS4
I read the book. Skimmed a few wordy sections (sorry, Dr. Johnson...but in similar fashion to your authoring comment, I'm the reader and I can read it the way I want to). Had to get used to the Dr.'s seemingly cocky sense of humor. Learned it is basically a finely-crafted "reward and punishment" system which encourages positive behaviors and attitudes for the whole family. I am confident that is a lousy description, so I will include a paragraph from the http://www.family-rules.com/ website.
3SUDDENLY, THE FUTURE ARRIVES4
My initial reservations with the program revolved around the fact that I envisioned my usually-sweet son having to do "good habit cards" (30-minute jobs for breaking rules, with rules being alloted 0-50 cards drawn for breaking them) for the rest of his life! I was afraid that if I would make him draw cards in the middle of a freak-out, it would escalate until he was holding the whole deck. And that whenever he was back in his rational mind, whether that be 15 minutes or 2 hours later, he would be heart-broken (both for breaking the rules and then having so many consequences).
I asked the social worker about this at our second visit. He suggested removing my son from the situation where he loses it (sending/carrying him to his room, if necessary) and then waiting until the outburst is completely over before handing out the cards. Not sure why I hadn't thought of this.
Shortly after this visit, we had a week FULL of outbursts and parenting frustrations. We truly needed a discipline makeover. I got the book back out (not on the shelf long enough to even have a speck of dust) and this time my husband read it, too. We decided to take the plunge starting Sunday, July 20, 2008...
...and this is where I'm going to record our journey.
Our middle child, a son (8), has had noticeable anger issues since about age four. With almost no warning, something in him will just snap and there is no reasoning or otherwise reining him in. The trigger could be as simple as us not having the cereal he wanted for breakfast or just receiving a "no" when asking for something. When he explodes, he is nearly beyond reason...even when he knows he's losing privileges out the wazoo.
As of late, however, the trigger has been his 2-year-old sister. And it's true, she does know how to push his buttons. She is in what my pediatrician optimistically calls the "terrific" twos. (Forgive me...I'm often the glass-half-empty kind of girl.) So, the rather typical outbursts of someone her age are escalating because of the anger outbursts she's been witnessing.
And so we arrived at May 2008...a generally "regular" pastor's family with good kids (two identified as gifted, including the son with the anger issue, and all three creative, fun, and generally obedient)...yet usually at least one big scene a day (almost always at home, thank goodness, though most of our relatives have been the lucky viewers of the meltdown and resulting chaos). I say chaos because between the 2-year-old jumping on the bandwagon and my husband and/or I raising our voices (okay, yelling) to try to regain control of the situation, it definitely resembles a zoo. Frankly, I'd had enough.
I am a proponent of seeking treatment from mental health professionals when necessary. In my opinion, we had definitely arrived at that point. Basically, I wanted to talk to a psychologist who could help us understand what was going on with our son and how we could "fix" it. I was open to that involving medication (he, unfortunately, seems to have inherited my anxiety) but was hoping we wouldn't have to start with it.
And so I made the call...
3SITTING ON THE COUCH4
So, we ended up at a counseling facility with a psychiatrist and psychologists on staff, but our pediatrican had recommended one of their licensed clinical social workers who specialized in children, family therapy, and anxiety. Sure, I could see the fit, but I won't lie...I was a bit concerned that we weren't ending up with the true specialists. But that's who I made the appointment with anyway.
We had one appointment in May and a second last month. At our first appointment, the social worker asked what discipline plan we used in the home. I didn't have a good answer (more like, a dab of this, dash of that). We've read or are fairly familiar with a lot of the discipline theories out there (Boundaries with Kids, Parenting with Love & Logic, etc.), especially Christian ones. When our kids were little, we used a "bean system" with a reward for filling up a jar by earning a bean each time our kids had good behavior and losing ones. We've done our share of counting to 3, time outs, and the occasional spanking. Frankly, we haven't had to implement many discipline measures with our eldest (a 10-year-old daughter), as she is a people-pleaser by nature and simply hates to disappoint us.
People always say that each child is unique...AMEN! It still awes me to think that you can raise three children in basically the same environment, and need a different "instruction manual" for each of them. Is that true even when you have nine or ten kids??? I assume so.
Anyway, the counselor suggested a discipline program called Positive Parenting with a Plan - F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules by Dr. Matthew Johnson. I ordered the book.
3FIRST IMPRESSIONS4
I read the book. Skimmed a few wordy sections (sorry, Dr. Johnson...but in similar fashion to your authoring comment, I'm the reader and I can read it the way I want to). Had to get used to the Dr.'s seemingly cocky sense of humor. Learned it is basically a finely-crafted "reward and punishment" system which encourages positive behaviors and attitudes for the whole family. I am confident that is a lousy description, so I will include a paragraph from the http://www.family-rules.com/ website.
In a nutshell, “Positive Parenting with a Plan: FAMILY Rules” is a research-based parenting program that really, really, really works. Why? Well, there are a couple reasons why: (1) it was not formed in an “Ivory Tower” on a university campus setting. Rather, it was formed in the foxholes and trenches on the “Battlefield of Parental Warfare” with input from real living, breathing moms, dads, and kids; (2) it is philosophically based in the “Hierarchy Model” rather than “King Arthur’s Round Table”. In other words, this parenting program supports “parental authority” in the home rather than undermining it like other parenting programs do; and (3) This parenting program targets the entire “family system” for change – not just the child(ren). Everyone is required to improve on changing their attitudes and behaviors in a positive direction. Everyone wins with the “Positive Parenting with a Plan: FAMILY Rules” parenting program!!!Decided it looked like a LOT of work to implement and decided to tuck it away for future use, perhaps.
3SUDDENLY, THE FUTURE ARRIVES4
My initial reservations with the program revolved around the fact that I envisioned my usually-sweet son having to do "good habit cards" (30-minute jobs for breaking rules, with rules being alloted 0-50 cards drawn for breaking them) for the rest of his life! I was afraid that if I would make him draw cards in the middle of a freak-out, it would escalate until he was holding the whole deck. And that whenever he was back in his rational mind, whether that be 15 minutes or 2 hours later, he would be heart-broken (both for breaking the rules and then having so many consequences).
I asked the social worker about this at our second visit. He suggested removing my son from the situation where he loses it (sending/carrying him to his room, if necessary) and then waiting until the outburst is completely over before handing out the cards. Not sure why I hadn't thought of this.
Shortly after this visit, we had a week FULL of outbursts and parenting frustrations. We truly needed a discipline makeover. I got the book back out (not on the shelf long enough to even have a speck of dust) and this time my husband read it, too. We decided to take the plunge starting Sunday, July 20, 2008...
...and this is where I'm going to record our journey.
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